What do you do when You can’t sleep?
Binge on snacks? Watch Japanese tentacle porn? Price bus tickets to Dollywood?
Sure, I do all those things. I also write nonsensical pieces like the following realistic, if not pessimistic, descriptions of Disney movies.
- Woodland communists pilfer the coffers of job creators and redistribute wealth back to the lazy 47 percent. Also, arrows.
- Naive housekeeper shacks up with a half-dozen-or-so midgets so you’d think, at some point, there’d be an awkward orgy but no.
- Heroic! Dog! Betrayed! By! Immature! Owner! Boom!
- Lonely pedophile’s sex doll comes to life. Also, other stuff happens.
- Giant Rat trips balls for two hours and five minutes. Beware the dancing broom.
- Mutant elephant baby breaks free from slave-masters. Racist birds crack wise. Circuses are evil. Seriously, animal slavery is a crime against nature.
- Young deer wanders wilderness after parents are slaughtered. Wait, it’s not a girl?
- The only way out of an abusive home for a young girl treated like an indentured servant is to find a rich white man. But, what’s new?
- What it must look like inside the drug-addled mind of a sexually ambiguous poker player with an eating disorder. (Hint: just remember what the dormouse said.)
- A-sexual man-child hounds one-handed shipping magnate through Florida Everglades. (At least, we think it’s in Florida.)
- Sooo far under water.
- Dogs from different socioeconomic worlds meet. Dogs fall in love. Dogs eat spaghetti. Ironically, movie contains no doggy-style.
- Beautiful coma victim can only be cured by sexual assault from an elitist already in jail for god-knows-what.
- Lawyer-turned-dog makes trouble for pharmaceutical company.
- Delusional girl refuses to see the awful truth all around her.
- Fencing Mexican foilz bad guyz.
- Mean bitch tries to steal bitch’s bitches to make a fur coat. Ain’t that a bitch?
- This guy should not be working in the laboratory.
- Asshole twins refuse to accept parents’ divorce.
- Singing nanny endangers lives of children but it’s OK because Dick Van Dyke dances with penguins.
- Black pussy credited with FBI’s ability to bust kidnapping ring.
- Lost kid does lost kid stuff in a rain forest while being chased by a snake and a tiger.
- Animated Volkswagen has various adventures. Whether the car is possessed by its co-creator Adolf Hitler is unclear.
- Kurt Russell rips off Flowers for Algernon. In reverse. Sort of.
- Stupid boy from the Northeast hallucinates large reptile.
- Tragic racial allegory explained to children with a red fox and a hound dog.
- Wife, I minimized the offspring in an otherwise tired premise. What happened to me—I used to be on SCTV.
- Half-fish half-human girl wants to live on dry land in order to get some mammalian D.
- Miserly Scottish duck’s greed knows no bounds. Also, he inherits triplets.
- Rodents have high adventures in Australia.
- Ugly rich dude. Poor hot girl. Evidently, this movie is based on true events of everywhere always.
- Emilio Estevez coaches a terrible hockey team? Why not.
- Felonious urchin dabbles in dark arts in order to bed a hot persian chick and gain wealth. Plus, Robin Williams.
- Age-old story of a divorced parent using the kid for economic gain. Apparently, Mark Twain felt 219 was the perfect number of times to use the king daddy of racial epithets.
- Jamaican bobsledders and, for some reason, John Candy.
- Candy bar namesakes fuck shit up old school during the French Revolution.
- Jeremy Irons kills his brother James Earl Jones in a power grab. Then, Nathan Lane and some fat guy escort an effeminate lion cub across Africa for revenge.
- That other movie that mixes Biblical themes and baseball. If you build it, Christopher Lloyd will come.
- Bad father accidentally kills and assumes the identity of a beloved children’s icon. Who you callin a ho-ho-ho?
- The secret lives of playthings. Who doesn’t love Tom Hanks?
- A kid with big fruit. (Is that a metaphor?)
- Freak in a church falls for a girl way out of his league and the town is sooo pissed.
- Brendan Fraser tries unsuccessfully to reprise his role as Stoney. This movie could have been greatly improved with some Samwise and the Weasel … bu-u-u-ddy.
- Dog plays basketball and, apparently, everyone is OK with this.
- Matthew Broderick is a mentally impaired robot detective. Completely unwatchable.
- Joe Dirt becomes a llama. David Puddy hunts him down. Much funnier than you’d think.
- Hillbilly grizzlies screwed over by Christopher Walken.
- A look inside the juvenile criminal justice system with haunted Jewfro Shia Labeouf.
- Lost fish eventually relocated. Folks on dry land couldn’t care less.
- Refugees (not Syrian) get sidetracked (not prostitution) on the way to Australia (not Austria) and go native (not interracial marriage.) But, oh, what a treehouse they build!
- Unpopular orphan wins contest and becomes king.
- This movie is not nearly as dirty or interesting as the title might suggest. Think less “50 Shades of Grey” and more Angela Lansbury as a Nazi-hunting witch.
- Guy gets sucked into a computer and battles a virus waaay before anybody knew what computers were for or what the hell a computer virus was. For some reason, everything is neon blue.