Honest descriptions of Disney movies

What do you do when You can’t sleep?

Binge on snacks? Watch Japanese tentacle porn? Price bus tickets to Dollywood?

Sure, I do all those things. I also write nonsensical pieces like the following realistic, if not pessimistic, descriptions of Disney movies.


Or don’t.

  • Woodland communists pilfer the coffers of job creators and redistribute wealth back to the lazy 47 percent. Also, arrows.
  • Naive housekeeper shacks up with a half-dozen-or-so midgets so you’d think, at some point, there’d be an awkward orgy but no.
  • Heroic! Dog! Betrayed! By! Immature! Owner! Boom!
  • Lonely pedophile’s sex doll comes to life. Also, other stuff happens.
  • Giant Rat trips balls for two hours and five minutes. Beware the dancing broom.
  • Mutant elephant baby breaks free from slave-masters. Racist birds crack wise. Circuses are evil. Seriously, animal slavery is a crime against nature.
  • Young deer wanders wilderness after parents are slaughtered. Wait, it’s not a girl?
  • The only way out of an abusive home for a young girl treated like an indentured servant is to find a rich white man. But, what’s new?
  • What it must look like inside the drug-addled mind of a sexually ambiguous poker player with an eating disorder. (Hint: just remember what the dormouse said.)
  • A-sexual man-child hounds one-handed shipping magnate through Florida Everglades. (At least, we think it’s in Florida.)
  • Sooo far under water.
  • Dogs from different socioeconomic worlds meet. Dogs fall in love. Dogs eat spaghetti. Ironically, movie contains no doggy-style.
  • Beautiful coma victim can only be cured by sexual assault from an elitist already in jail for god-knows-what.
  • Lawyer-turned-dog makes trouble for pharmaceutical company.
  • Delusional girl refuses to see the awful truth all around her.
  • Fencing Mexican foilz bad guyz.
  • Mean bitch tries to steal bitch’s bitches to make a fur coat. Ain’t that a bitch?
  • This guy should not be working in the laboratory.
  • Asshole twins refuse to accept parents’ divorce.
  • Singing nanny endangers lives of children but it’s OK because Dick Van Dyke dances with penguins.
  • Black pussy credited with FBI’s ability to bust kidnapping ring.
  • Lost kid does lost kid stuff in a rain forest while being chased by a snake and a tiger.
  • Animated Volkswagen has various adventures. Whether the car is possessed by its co-creator Adolf Hitler is unclear.
  • Kurt Russell rips off Flowers for Algernon. In reverse. Sort of.
  • Stupid boy from the Northeast hallucinates large reptile.
  • Tragic racial allegory explained to children with a red fox and a hound dog.
  • Wife, I minimized the offspring in an otherwise tired premise. What happened to me—I used to be on SCTV.
  • Half-fish half-human girl wants to live on dry land in order to get some mammalian D.
  • Miserly Scottish duck’s greed knows no bounds. Also, he inherits triplets.
  • Rodents have high adventures in Australia.
  • Ugly rich dude. Poor hot girl. Evidently, this movie is based on true events of everywhere always.
  • Emilio Estevez coaches a terrible hockey team? Why not.
  • Felonious urchin dabbles in dark arts in order to bed a hot persian chick and gain wealth. Plus, Robin Williams.
  • Age-old story of a divorced parent using the kid for economic gain. Apparently, Mark Twain felt 219 was the perfect number of times to use the king daddy of racial epithets.
  • Jamaican bobsledders and, for some reason, John Candy.
  • Candy bar namesakes fuck shit up old school during the French Revolution.
  • Jeremy Irons kills his brother James Earl Jones in a power grab. Then, Nathan Lane and some fat guy escort an effeminate lion cub across Africa for revenge.
  • That other movie that mixes Biblical themes and baseball. If you build it, Christopher Lloyd will come.
  • Bad father accidentally kills and assumes the identity of a beloved children’s icon. Who you callin a ho-ho-ho?
  • The secret lives of playthings. Who doesn’t love Tom Hanks?
  • A kid with big fruit. (Is that a metaphor?)
  • Freak in a church falls for a girl way out of his league and the town is sooo pissed.
  • Brendan Fraser tries unsuccessfully to reprise his role as Stoney. This movie could have been greatly improved with some Samwise and the Weasel … bu-u-u-ddy.
  • Dog plays basketball and, apparently, everyone is OK with this.
  • Matthew Broderick is a mentally impaired robot detective. Completely unwatchable.
  • Joe Dirt becomes a llama. David Puddy hunts him down. Much funnier than you’d think.
  • Hillbilly grizzlies screwed over by Christopher Walken.
  • A look inside the juvenile criminal justice system with haunted Jewfro Shia Labeouf.
  • Lost fish eventually relocated. Folks on dry land couldn’t care less.
  • Refugees (not Syrian) get sidetracked (not prostitution) on the way to Australia (not Austria) and go native (not interracial marriage.) But, oh, what a treehouse they build!
  • Unpopular orphan wins contest and becomes king.
  • This movie is not nearly as dirty or interesting as the title might suggest. Think less “50 Shades of Grey” and more Angela Lansbury as a Nazi-hunting witch.
  • Guy gets sucked into a computer and battles a virus waaay before anybody knew what computers were for or what the hell a computer virus was. For some reason, everything is neon blue.

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