Actually, it’s more like if Charlie Kaufman had written and Quentin Tarantino had directed and Paul Giamatti had starred in Grosse Pointe Blank.

I’m not even sure what to call this little duder.

Is it a spec script or a job application?

Is it a floor polish or a desert topping?

It’s both. Or, all four, if you’re paying attention.

And it’s all about this unhappy crime kingpin who’s heading to his big high school reunion where, I’m sure, hilarity and mistaken identity and maybe even some awkward hanky-panky will ensue.

But, before he can leave town, he has to wipe out his rivals, who just so happen to all be taking their kids to some kid-friendly event.

Now, if it were up to me, this would be set in the ’90s and the opening scene would take place at a Showbiz Pizza. You youngster know it as Chuck E. Cheese .

There are a bunch of other changes I’d make, too, but like I said, this was written against the parameters of a Hollywood TV and Film production company. So, please bear with me.

I stumbled onto this company that says it’s looking for writers while I was desperately searching for prodcos that/which/who accept unsolicited scripts.

Unfortunately, you’re more likely to find one that accepts unsolicited porcupines. Is that a euphemism? It wasn’t intended to be.

They have this neato application process wherein they give you a premise and a couple character descriptions and you’re supposed to write up to ten pages and, if they like what you come up with, they’ll hire you to work in their script mill.

I don’t say “script mill” disparagingly. It’s just what it is.

They have a writers room of folks who get assignments for TV and movie screenplays and they churn them out for a small salary and a shot at the bigger pie? apple? cheese? [It’s six a.m. Michigan time and I haven’t had my coffee yet so how’s about you just insert your own metaphor/simile/whateverthefugg]

Like, if the screenplay is sold, you get a percentage.

And, hopefully, someone recognizes your genius or sub-genius and hires you to bang out scripts for the next X Files Jr. or Buffy the Zombie Fluffer.

Or whatever horrible reboot some hotshot Hollywood exec younger than my daughter has decided will keep him in cocaine and Vietnamese lady-boys.

I know, I’m dating myself.

The deviant de jour is probably more like Fentanyl and Furries these days.

I played around with their concept—which is pretty much just Grosse Pointe Blank.

A movie I fuggin love to pieces and starring John Cusack who I also [platonically] love to pieces … so much so I’m kicking around a movie concept just for him but that’s a story for another bottle of whiskey.

So I tried to come up with something differenty.

And what’s more differenty than a middle-aged guy going through midlife crisis who narrates his own life via internal mental monologue … shit.

Maybe not so differenty.

But, I did adapt their—the company’s—desire for a happy innocuous childrens tune to play throughout this opening scene of ABSOLUTE CARNAGE, in my own special Gohsian way.

Any-hoo … it’s been long enough without any response that I’m guessing they’re not interested in my literistic stylings.

Whatever. Mama says I’m handsome.

And, aside from the character names and basic concept, 99 percent of the mini spec script—it’s a seven-page scene—I wrote is my own creation.

So, I’m sharing it with you, fair bots who troll my site searching for personal information to sell to Google and, I presume, the Chinese Communist Party.

Happy Friday, my little larks.

CLICK HERE TO READ “Gentille Alouette”