Why do white people like guacamole so much? Why do they call it “guac’?” What’s the deal with hot glue guns?

I came across a Buzzfeed post the other day entitled “40 questions that all white people need to answer.”

(original seen here: http://www.buzzfeed.com/mjs538/40-questions-for-white-people )

Always the helpful type, I decided to answer them. After all, what better spokesman for the entirety of whiteness than I? (Don’t answer that.)

 

40 questions asked & answered

Why do white people call guacamole “guac”?

A: Leaves more time for eating guac.

Why do white people like bearded men and horses so much

A: Gandalf. Jeremiah Johnson. Clint Eastwood.

Why do white people like comparing arm tans?

A: Establishes pecking order.

WHY DO WHITE PEOPLE LIKE CHEESE SO MUCH

A: Peer pressure. But, seriously, you gotta try this Gouda.

     5.Why do white people like to explore attics?

A: “American Pickers” and “The Goonies”

Why do white people like the sand Dunes so much?

A: Reminds us of Tatooine.

Why do white people like Kiss?

A: If you don’t know then you’ll never know. Also, “Detroit Rock City” and “Lick it Up.”

Why do white people like the woods so much.

A: Little House on the Prairie.

Damn, why do white people like pumpkin so much? pumpkin pie pumpkin latte etc…

A: That’s actually only two things made with pumpkin.

Why do white people like playing in the snow? Snow is cold.

A: Reminds us of Hoth.

Why do white people like Drake so much?

A: Where did you get that idear?

Why do white people like hummus so much. it’s literally chick peas

A: Because it’s literally delicious. Literally.

Wait why do white people like shark week so much?

A: Peter Benchley

Why do white people like candy corn so much? I literally see 7 people in my class eating it

A: Because it’s literally legal and crack literally isn’t.

Why do white people like ray ban wayfarers so much? smh

A: Two words: “Jake” and “Elwood”

Why do white people like going to abandon houses or other places? like have you not seen horror movies

A: Poor survival instinct.

Why do white people like putting their bare feet on the dashboard?

A: The idear is to freak you out.

Why do white people like to pick their own strawberries so much?

A: Migrant farmworker fantasy

Why do white people like to cuddle so much during storms?

A: Wizard of Oz fantasy

Why do white people like Nutella so much?

A: No idear.

Why do white people like kissing dogs in the mouth? Acting like it’s good luck or something

A: There really is no good answer to this one.

What is a “color run” and why do white people like them so much?

A: Latent pigment envy

Why do white people like to hunt ghosts?

A: Harold Ramis, Bill Murray, Ernie Hudson and Dan Akroyd.

Why do white people like avocados so much

A: It’s the main ingredient in Guac. Doy!

Why do white people like Christmas music so much? that shit gets annoying

A: Don’t be hatin’.

Why do white people like that Thrift Shop song so much?

A: See #25.

Why do white people love hot glue

A: Two words: “arts” and “crafts”; obviously you’ve never been compelled to affix buttons and yarn to popsicle sticks.

So why do white people love full house so much? idgi

A: Solid concept. Decent writing. Palatable humor. Family-friendly. John Stamos’ hair.

WHY DO WHITE PEOPLE MAKE INSTAGRAM ACCOUNT FOR THEIR PETS?

A: Why wouldn’t they? (Reminder to self: buy plenty of funny hats, then start accounts for Maisy, Sam and Tolstoy)

30.Why do white people put their kids on leashes?

A: You ever spent any time with white children? You’d be tying their asses up, too. White kids be crazy! Do something about your children, white people!

Why do white people love mason jars?

A: Appalachia.

Why do white people love the beach so much? Yall are always fucking there i dont get it.

A: To work on our arm tans. Also, we have nowhere else to go.

Why do white people dance like this though?

A: It’s a white thing. You wouldn’t understand.

Why do white people say “idear” instead of idea? Where in the fuck is there an “r” in that word?

A: It’s at the end, right after the “a.”

WTF is gluten exactly and why do white people hate it so much?

A: It’s our kryptonite—I mean it’s our “gluten.”

Why do white people love ‘turn down for what’ so much

A: I have no idear what that means.

Why do white people love cooking with beer so much?

A: Alcoholic fathers. Why do you use so much hot sauce?

Why do white people always say “have a good one” have a good what?

A: That’s for us to know and you to find out. (OK, we mean “cheese.” Have a good cheese!)

Why do white people gotta be climbing everything?

A: Wish we were Spiderman. Why do you gotta be asking so many questions?

why do white people say “for Pete’s sake”??? Who is Pete?

A: I have an aunt whose nickname is “Pete.” I think they’re referring to her.