Who needs healthcare when you’ve got time travel

The fight over healthcare isn’t over.

You may think it’s over because you diddled into a sock while watching a blonde anchor on FOX News before passing out on the couch.

But this isn’t over.

You may think this is over because Republicans have been quiet after failed attempts at replacing Obamacare with Wet-Naps and Crazy Glue like bad guys in an ’80s cartoon. (Who doesn’t remember the further adventures of Wet-Nap & Crazy Glue?)

However, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell has warned a vote to do away with the Affordable Care Act (ACA) and replace it with something more republicanier is likely.

The fact that his intentions are identical to the plans I have for my mistress does not mean this is over.

If this matter were over, the halls of Congress would look like the last few minutes of Blazing Saddles—complete with massive pie brawl and dandies in tails and top hats dancing around a fountain.

And, while McConnell may look like whatever Cobra Commander’s hiding under that hood of his, he’s not running away anytime soon.

Republicans voted over 50 times to defund, delay, or repeal the ACA under President Obama.

You really think they’ve given up under President Gotti?

No. This is not over.

That said, there are some things you can do to prepare yourself in the event your medical insurance ends up face down in a hole in the desert.

  1. First, ask friends and family for their leftover medications. I know. I know. Health experts warn that it’s illegal, dangerous, and stupid to take someone else’s medicine. But, when’s the last time any of them won the Daytona 500?
  2. Now is not the time to be picky. Hoard old antibiotics, eye drops, unused heart pills, those weird wiener tablets your uncle bought from Tijuana that turned your aunt’s lips green. Sure, you don’t have diabetes now but, let’s face it, pie is delicious. And like my grandmother, who died at 48, always used to say, “Expired Vicodin is better than … Jesus Christ look at the size of that rat!”
  3. Next, consider building a time machine. Yeah, it seems unlikely to work, but no less likely than America passing universal healthcare in your lifetime … or settling on which location is the real home of Chicago deep dish pizza. You may be fat and sedentary now but you didn’t used to be. Just travel to your junior year in high school—back when you could bend over without farting, and pee only came out when you wanted it to. If the young you can keep from jumping in front of a bus in a fit of suicidal depression upon seeing what a pulsating mound of dough you’ve become, he or she might consider skipping the all-u-can-eat fried cheese nights.
  4. Which brings me to my next tip—dealing with mental illness. As a lifelong haver of spells and vapors, I know how vital it is to have someone to lean on when times get tough. If, like me, your family thinks “doctrin is fer pussies,” then you might give self-medication the old community college try. After all, what does a trained psychologist know that you can’t figure out in fifteen minutes on spiritfairymother.biz.
  5. Natural healing—Start with the essential oils: peppermint for nervousness; thyme for multiple personalities. Then, if dribbling rosemary oil on your b-hole doesn’t cure the schizophrenia, you could always give binging a shot. Of course, food and alcohol both have their fair share of drawbacks.
  6. Orgasm therapy—Indiscriminate sex with strangers is always a good idea. Nothing lifts the deadening sadness like an angry blonde in a trench coat crushing your junk under her inline skates. And, oddly specific examples aside, the copay on getting some strange is usually no more than breakfast and cab fare. OK, and the occasional bastard child. But, hey, everybody loves a baby. Plus, you know, tax benefits.
  7. Retail therapy—Shopping and gambling are also great ways to deal with your personal problems. But, if you don’t have cash for an hour-a-week at Dr. Cuckoo’s then you probably can’t afford the mall or the casino. Unless … you get a bunch of credit cards under different names. Financial experts—and the police—warn against this type of thing but since when are you in charge of my depression, Officer Nosypants?
  8. Sugar sugar—Lastly, you could try for the placebo affect. Scientists for years have been telling us the right attitude can do wonders for our health. Just fill your empty prescription bottles with Skittles, M&Ms, Tic-Tacs. Hell, jam a gummy bear in there if it makes you feel better. The main point here is that high fructose corn syrup and red dye #5 are the answers to most of life’s problems.

[LEGAL DISCLAIMER: If you attempt any of the aforementioned, you deserve every bad thing that happens.]

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