There are several checkpoints a screenwriter must pass on the way to getting their script made into a movie.

For me, the most helpful—and often terrifying—is the table read.

This is where you get to hear just how stupid your words really are.

I’ve endured a dozen or so table reads of my work over the last few years.

So you’d think dying of shame would be second nature by now.

But, while it can be tough to hear your every failing uttered aloud, a reading really is the best way to test your script’s strengths and weaknesses.

Last week, the fine fellows over at The Unscripted Scripts Show Podcast on Spotify did me the honor of reading my dark dramedy End-Stop, a cinematic stage play inspired by my love of Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf and Charles Bukowski poetry readings.

And apparently Gentlemen Broncos.

As usual, the guys were funny as hell.

In addition to being entertaining, they showed me just how bad my script is.

There’s nothing like a table read to point out overlong scenes, wonky dialogue, unfunny jokes, heavy-handed messaging … you get the idea.

To be fair, End-Stop was intended to be an over-the-top and offensive look at a failing marriage, social politics, and celebrity worship … but my nonstop quips and unsubtle political opinions took up most of the space where the story should have been.

Whoopsie!

I have no excuse other than sometimes … I write shit …

… and then think it’s not shit.

This was one of those times.

While it was tough listening to some of my worst work performed for the whole world to hear, I’m glad for the experience because it reminded me of a few things:

1. Beware the siren song of your own pen
2. You’re probably not as clever as you think you are
3. Art is not an ideological dumping ground
4. Table read your work before shopping it around
5. Tomato wine is fucking disgusting

If you’d like to feel better about your own shitty writing, be sure to listen to Lawrence, John, Jeff, and Mike as they perform my literary train wreck “End-Stop Part 1: The Museum of Giant Hogs” on the Spotify app or here on the web: https://open.spotify.com/episode/0wQg0Q9vftFX9Fqw8cThgq?si=9ogJzg8TRsK7I5zfbfjRpg